We call it the “most wonderful time of the year,” yet December and January register the highest suicide rates in Australia. For author Stuart O’Neill (Just One Reason), the gap between the “curated Christmas” we see online and the family dysfunction many experience is widening. Here, Stuart discusses why you might need to delete your apps to survive the season, how to spot the “exit strategy” signs in struggling friends, and why an afternoon nap is the ultimate measure of holiday success.
We call it the “most wonderful time of the year,” yet the data paints a starkly different picture, particularly for those aged 18-49. Why do you think there is such a growing disconnect between the festive narrative we are sold and the reality of how people are actually feeling right now?
I think it’s hard to argue that family dysfunction has probably never been higher and it means that Christmas Day can be a tricky one to navigate for many – you only have to scratch the surface and most families have some form of issue(s) to contend with. The most obvious example is families dealing with divorce – it can be difficult for children to manage loyalties and possible multiple locations. We all dream of a ‘Myers style’ Christmas but this is not reality for 99%.
We are living in the era of the “curated Christmas”—scrolling through feeds of matching pyjamas, perfectly glazed hams, and happy families. How much of this digital comparison is fueling the anxiety you are seeing? Is it possible to opt-out without deleting the apps entirely?
I don’t think it is possible to opt out without deleting the apps entirely – opting out is all or nothing. Without a doubt there are definitely cohorts who want to keep up their appearance across social media and emphasise traditions, but it’s not the reality. Comparison is the thief of joy and I think it’s essential to do what you want to do – if that is matching pyjamas and all the trimmings then great, but if you’re happier with a few prawns and a cold beer, then do that.
Your book, Just One Reason, tackles the heaviest of topics. With December and January registering the highest suicide rates in Australia, what are the subtle signs we should be looking for in our friends or colleagues who might seem fine on the surface but are quietly struggling?
I call them forehead red flags. First thing is to have a chat with this person and then secondly, have a proper chat – ask very direct questions. There could be comments that surprise you and provide you with indications that everything is not ok. E.g. If someone announces a change of plans after Xmas and is deciding to give their dog away, or sell their car, or quit their job. If these seem out of the blue, and out of character, then dig a bit deeper as it could be part of their exit strategy.
It’s interesting that the survey highlights 18-24-year-olds feeling the most lonely, despite being the most digitally connected generation in history. Do you think the definition of “connection” during the holidays needs to be rewritten?
I wholeheartedly think that connection today for the younger generation needs to change or be reframed. Connection for most is simply, WiFi, 5G, Bluetooth – it’s not connection, it’s just technology. It’s important to obtain and maintain those face-face interactions with people, which don’t have to be huge in terms of a time commitment. I think too many people are fearful of rejection so simply don’t bother organising or inviting people to do things in person, as they can’t face someone saying ‘no’. Remember, however, that it’s quite likely if you’re deliberating over sending that message the other person is probably doing the same and will likely be very grateful you reached out.
For someone reading this who is dreading the next few weeks—whether due to family conflict, financial strain, or just general overwhelm—what is one practical boundary they can set today to protect their peace?
I would say ‘honour your instincts’ and be strong with your ‘yeses’ and ‘no’s’.
You’ve spent a lot of time dissecting mental health resilience. How has your own definition of a “successful” Christmas changed over the years? Do you have any personal traditions that are strictly about rest rather than performance?
Success for me is about the people I see on Christmas Day. I understand the concept and the joy that gifts can bring to some people but it’s never done anything for me. If someone forgets to bring/give a present then it really is not a big deal.
In terms of my own traditions, the two I never miss out on are an inordinate amount of prawns and an afternoon nap – showing my age slightly there!
