What does balance look like when your work revolves around the digital world — but your mission is to help people step away from it? For Sandrine Alexandre-Hughes, a barrister, mum, and digital safety advocate, it starts with small, intentional offline moments: dinner with friends, phone-free walks, and family game nights that spark real conversation.
In our chat, Sandrine reflects on how technology is reshaping the way we connect, what’s behind the rise of the “friendship recession,” and why setting boundaries with our screens might be one of the kindest things we can do for our mental health.
You’ve described the “friendship recession” as a quiet epidemic. What signs should people look out for in their own lives that suggest they might be experiencing it?
The friendship recession mainly consists in the declining number of close and meaningful friendships people have. So take a look at your social circles. Do you have close friendships? Are they meaningful? And how many of these friendships do you have? Do you have any? How often did you see your friends? How often do you see them now? A survey by the Survey Center on American Life found that 12% of Americans declare having no close friends (a number which has quadrupled since 1990).
As someone who works in law, advocacy, and digital safety, what drew you to focus on the connection between screen time, disconnection, and mental health?
It was not one single thing which drew my attention to this problem but, rather, a series of little things. It is well established that humans are social beings and that we need social interactions. Our brains are wired for it. Social connections are essential for our learning, development and mental health. They provide us with a sense of community, of belonging, and increase our happiness.
So when you see someone glued to their phone or screen, you see they tend to ignore the human beings next to them (the person on their phone may feel connected when they’re on it but that is not necessarily truly the case). We’ve all been in this scenario, with someone next to us with whom we could have had a chat and they’re just not there. We all see it in the street everyday.
There is plenty of literature explaining that the most connected generation feels the loneliest. The 4th “We Are Lonely Index” by Medibank indicated that 72% of 16–34-year-olds felt lonely on one or, even several days, during a “typical week”, and that 39% experienced high levels of loneliness.
We’re all guilty of reaching for our phones when we’re tired or stressed. How can we start setting healthier digital boundaries without feeling like we’re cutting ourselves off from the world?
True, we tend to use our phones as escapism, and it seems we’re all reaching out for them more and more. To set healthier boundaries we need to do two things. First, notice and, two, act. It is important to notice what we want to escape and what keeps us doing it (social media and how they’re designed, anyone?).
Once you’ve taken notes of these two things it becomes possible to identify the changes to make in your life so there is less need for escapism. Don’t we want to live our life rather than escape it? As for taking action, there are plenty of options you can implement to spend less time on your screens / phones: decide of phone-free time in your day, it is easy to plan it around dinner and after dinner, buy an alarm clock and keep your phone out of your bedroom to avoid doom scrolling until late in the night, stop saving or researching recipes and get them from a book for a change, go for a walk with a camera and a brick phone (if you feel the need to be able to call someone, should you need it). It is not about getting rid of screens or smartphones but rather about being mindful and creating spaces where we don’t have them and the distractions or mental overload they create.
In your view, what makes face-to-face connection so powerful? Why can’t digital interactions, no matter how constant, fully replace them?
Face to face connection is so powerful. While we saw during the pandemic that video calls were great to maintain communication, we can also instinctively tell that they are not as powerful nor as fulfilling as face-to-face interactions. It can be difficult to put your finger on why exactly. Video calls limit the type of shared experiences you can have with your friends but there is another, more fundamental, explanation.
Eye contact is powerful and central to human connections. I recently heard someone explain that eye contact is what is missing in video calls. Eye contact cannot occur on a video call the way it happens face-to-face (that is directly). On a video call, if you look directly at another person, it looks like you are not looking at them. To simulate eye contact, you have to look at the top of your screen, where the camera usually is.
So to do that you shift your gaze away from the screen and the person you are talking to. Other digital interactions like texting or commenting on socials really limit the quality of the interaction (for example, the tone can be missed, the shorter nature of the messages do not allow for nuanced communication etc.)
You talk about small, intentional offline moments. What are some simple rituals or habits you personally use to maintain real friendships amidst a busy professional and family life?
Some examples are catching up for dinner with friends and intentionally keeping my phone away. It feels liberating to focus on only one thing (the conversation that is going on) rather than feeling my brain pulled by a million things coming up on your phone (where one thing always leads to another). Don’t we all feel refreshed after being away from our phone for a few hours? I also organise weekly walks and game nights with my family. I love games, and card games. They are the easiest way to get family and friends together, to have fun, to genuinely connect and even practise some skills!
The games I created (All the Likes for children 6-12 yo, and Smoke Mirrors + Filters for players 15+) are a fantastic way to disconnect from our screens and to connect offline while still reflecting on important topics such as online safety for children and digital habits for older teens and adults. We need to unplug to be in a space where we can reflect about this all. Playing Smoke Mirrors + Filters, is a way to reflect with others about what we all experience online and to realise we mostly go through the same things. This game makes the players feel less lonely in the physical world (fun and deep conversations) and in their digital experiences.
For people feeling the weight of loneliness right now, what’s one small step they can take today to start rebuilding connection and improving their wellbeing?
I am biased on this one: Play! Play board games and card games. Organise a game night and have fun! There are many other things you can do. Invite friends for dinner, a picnic or a walk. Take these earbuds off and just chill at a café or on public transport without your phone – you’ll strike spontaneous conversations with others (these too contribute to feeling less lonely and to improve our mental health) or volunteer with a charity.
